Without You
by Cheeseburger of Doom
Summary: D1 fluff. "Without you, where would I be now?"


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Without You

We got together officially in high school, but really, it started in junior high. The first time I realized it was when I was dressed as you, and pretending to be you -- walking in your shoes.

The first time I realized that I wanted you, you were dressed as me, and you were pretending to be me.

When I looked in the mirror, I knew it -- I wanted Yagyuu Hiroshi.

When I went home that night, I dressed as you again, and my dreams were filled with thoughts of you.

Dating was a big joke to me when I was fourteen. Girls would approach me, and say "I like you!" with that hopeful look in their eyes -- and I would try hard not to laugh at them. I was fourteen years old, and I wasn't about to waste my time with girls when I could be out making trouble with my friends.

Those friends fell victim to some of those hopeful looks, though -- I wondered why they were all dating when they could be having fun with me.

I lost some friends over that one. I made one too many comments along the lines of "Your girlfriend is such a catty bitch!". They started to get defensive -- and then they started to accuse me of being gay, because I wasn't interested in girls.

I laughed it off. I wasn't gay, I just wasn't ready.

The first time I met you, I thought that you were a stuck up prick, and that was naturally why I wanted to bother you. Teasing you was a challenge, because you rarely showed a reaction to anything. You could hide behind those glasses of yours and not say a word; it was fascinating.

I've always hated people like you, because you think you're better than anyone else, just because you look like you have a few extra brain cells.

I was never jealous. I could get marks just as high as yours when I was in school -- I just didn't look like I could, and no one thought that I could -- they never asked.

The you in class was always different from the you on the tennis court. In class you hid behind the glasses and looked like the class nerd -- on the court, you hid behind those glasses and were a menace to your opponent.

That was when I decided that I didn't hate you, even if you were a stuck up prick who thought he was so smart -- because you were good at what you did.

There were always girls after you, and sometimes the braver ones would be all over you. I thought it was really funny, because you always pushed them away and told them that you were sorry you couldn't return their affections.

I never told a girl I was sorry, I just told her that I wasn't interested.

I don't know when I started getting jealous of those girls who were after you. One day, I realized that it wasn't amusing anymore -- it was pissing me off.

You saw me watching, and you looked up at me -- and you were hiding behind those glasses, so I had no idea what you were thinking.

That was the day that I decided I wanted to be you, to try and understand you. I wanted to know why I'd been feeling so weird lately whenever you were around.

I was a little surprised when you agreed to play a trick with me. You turned into me, and I turned into you -- for the duration of one tennis match, I was Yagyuu Hiroshi, and you were Niou Masaharu, and it was the weirdest thing I think I've ever experienced --

But, like I said before, that was the moment I realized that I wanted you. I thought for a moment that I must be a pretty vain bastard, if I was attracted to someone who was dressed as me -- but it wasn't like that at all, because the one I was attracted to was myself, dressed as you.

My so-called friends were still teasing me, and calling me gay since I still hadn't said yes to any of those girls with big hopeful eyes -- they bothered me until I punched one of them one day, right in the face, in the middle of the classroom.

I told him, "Even if I'm gay, you have no right to pretend you know anything about it."

Everyone knew, after that. Sometimes they'd snicker at me when I passed them in the hallways, but I would always reply with a smile, and sometimes with a rude gesture, depending on who it was.

I lost those friends, but that was okay -- I made new ones. No one on the tennis team abandoned me just because I had different preferences -- some of them had the same preferences I did. I got closer to them after that, and it felt almost like family. I know that sounds sappy, and I'm not much of a sap, normally -- but it was the truth.

I wasn't too sure about you, though, and that's why I didn't want to say anything at first. At the end of the last year of junior high, I was going crazy -- I wanted you, but I didn't know what to do about it.

I'll never forget that day in our first year of high school when I decided that I'd had enough of waiting. I was afraid of rejection just as much as the next person.

I also didn't want to turn into one of those stupid girls with hopeful looks in their eyes that got pushed away by you -- I didn't want to hear your apology, "I'm sorry, but I can't return your affections."

I didn't want you feeling sorry for me. I also didn't want to think that you were secretly laughing at me, the way I secretly laughed at all those girls that came after me.

I already knew that you didn't have a problem with what I was, but it might have been different, knowing that I wanted you. You might have been afraid that you would "catch my disease" so to speak.

Some people think like that. Some people are afraid that if a gay person has a thing for them they might "turn gay". So it's all right to be gay as long as you don't try to "turn them".

What a load of bullshit. You are what you are -- and no one's going to change it.

Still, I didn't want to lose you, so I didn't say anything -- until it got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore.

When I cornered you on the roof that day at lunch, I thought that was going to be it for us. I thought I was never going to get to bother you again, that you'd never speak to me again --

I was surprised when you kissed back just as hard as I was kissing you.

Then you said, "What took you so long?" and after I was finished being pissed off, I thought it was really funny.

I wondered if you'd been pushing girls away because you'd been waiting for me, or at least someone like me. It was a rather ridiculous thought, but I liked it, so I held onto it.

Then again, was that thought so ridiculous?

I've never been one to believe in anything, not completely. I'll do something half-heartedly if I think it might have good results in the end; if I don't think it will work out, I'll most likely quit.

Tennis has always been the exception. With tennis, I'll always try -- even if it gets me nowhere. I think it's because I find tennis fun, and it never bores me, like so many other things do.

I get bored very easily, that's why I get into trouble so often. They call me a trickster sometimes, and that's fine, because it suits me.

You've never called me a trickster. You've called me a pain in the ass once or twice, and I'm not sure if it was a joke or not -- but it didn't matter, because you always give me that weird smile when you say it. I think I might be the only person who's ever seen that smile.

You've never bored me, and I don't know if I'll ever get tired of you. Does that make you happy?

The first time that you said you loved me, I didn't believe it. I've never believed in anything, really -- and that includes love.

People can say these things so carelessly, and pretend they mean them -- you might really feel it, but how am I supposed to know that?

Love is something that humans created, that's what I've always thought. Love is something that might not even exist.

How do I know if you love me?

I understand lust -- you were the one who made me understand it; you were the first person I ever wanted, and the only person I've wanted since then.

Still, that's not love, and it never will be. How can you prove love with a kiss, or a touch, or a quick fuck?

I think the only way I could know for sure what you're feeling is if I got inside your head, and understood all of you.

I've tried that before, and it made me realize that I wanted you.

I can't say "I love you" if I don't really mean it, because that would be just like every other idiot in this world --

I've never thought that you were an idiot, even when I thought you were a selfish bastard...

So what does that mean?

If I dressed up like you again, and looked in the mirror, would I find out that I really love you?

It's a scary thought. I'm not sure if I really want to try it.

I think that maybe one day I'll tell you that I love you. You're the one who changed my mind about dating, after all.

You're the one who made me gay -- I think I should blame you for that one. Maybe you'll feel just guilty enough to do me a favor. Then again, you do me favors all the time without my asking for them, so I think I'll let you get off easy this time.

Besides, I was the one who said you are what you are, and no one is going to change that.

Without you...

I would never have been confused, I would never have lacked in self-confidence...I would never have been afraid of rejection, and I would never have felt really pissed off when you do those really annoying things sometimes --

Without you, I would never have believed in anything. Without you, there would never have been anything for me to really work at -- everything would have been half-assed and life would have been boring, and I never would have heard you say "I love you".

And I'm talking to you while you're asleep again -- you've caught me once or twice, waking up just as I finish this monologue, and you scold me for it -- but I can tell you're not really angry, because you never wear your glasses in bed, and you can't hide behind them.

You haven't been able to hide from me for a long time, and I think that I've always know that you really mean it when you say those things -- but give me some time, and I'll be able to really feel it.

I hope you stay with me that long, and even longer.


End file.
